Self Awareness
I knew how I was. I think part of me has always known, yet somehow, no matter how hard I tried, I always stayed the same. I never changed. I wanted to change. I always did and maybe now, I can.
Letting my past go is something I’ve always struggled with, as if I had hopes of it one day coming back. Only, the thing is, I was a different person then. I would sit and stare, my face contorted in a mask of judgment as I watched the poor, innocent souls walk by. I would walk among a crowd and bitter thoughts would fill my mind about the person who was only two steps ahead of me. This person would be judged in silence, and it was someone I didn’t even know.
I started to think about them and wonder how they felt. That steady gaze rested upon them, never flickering. I’d constantly wonder what thoughts that they would believe to be spiraling through my mind. Then I realized, looking into that steady gaze in the mirror, those icy blue eyes never flickering, that it was like a hawk eyeing a mouse as its prey. Ever since I got that feeling, I no longer feel like the hawk, I feel like the mouse. One wrong move and I’m gone for good.
Self confidence is a funny thing. Not that I would know personally, considering it is something I lack, among many other things. My point is proven right there, if you know what I mean. They say self awareness leads to meaningful change, and by they, I don’t know who I mean. The point is, when people are aware of themselves, they can strive for change. I’m aware of the fact that I’m shy and that my confidence level doesn’t even reach a high enough mark on the scale to even be considered a level. I’m aware of the fact that I see myself differently than others. I’m aware of it, but it doesn’t change anything. Pushing out of my comfort zone to make that change is exactly that: pushing out of my comfort zone. It’s risky and it’s frightening. The fall is greater than the climb. Maybe I just have a negative view on this, on change, maybe even on life, but the negativity is where I feel safe and comfortable. That halts any form of change, because change only means something different and something different means something new. Something new means breaking down those barriers I put up - that guard I raised to keep anyone and maybe everyone out. Even though I don’t feel like the hawk, I act as though I am, simply because it’s easier than showing how weak I truly am. So I feel like the mouse but act as though I am the one with the very steady gaze, never flickering. Saddest part is, I know how the other mice feel, yet I make them feel that way. It’s not that it makes me feel secure, because if it did, I’d have maybe an ounce of self confidence. I am aware of the fact that I am no better than anyone else. I am aware of the way that mouse feels. I am aware, but there is no change, no shift, no difference in my ways. If self awareness leads to meaningful change, why am I still this person I no longer want to be? Why am I standing still, remaining in the same place? Why am I this person who hides behind a fake feeling when I want to be someone else? Not someone else entirely. I still want to be me, but I want to be someone who I can look at in the mirror without shuddering at the reflection. Not at the outward appearance, but what is pooled up in those icy blue eyes, waiting to claw its way out.
For a while, I’d blame anyone I could - the best friend, the unsupportive father, the boy who broke my heart, but I’ve come to realize the only one I can blame is myself. If I wasn’t so scared of being all I could be, maybe the best friend would still be here. Maybe the father would be supportive. Maybe the boy wouldn’t have had a reason to break my heart. The truth is, I’m aware of myself, but I fear that if I become all I can be, all I want to be, I won’t be good enough for the people I have in my life now. If that’s what it is, if that’s what is holding me back from this meaningful change, maybe I’m afraid of more than I think. I want to be good enough for myself. When I get there, these restraints will be broken and I will be free to be me.