Scratch Online

I collapsed to the pavement as if my body
had turned into that of a rag doll
the fall was was nothing
not until my butt discovered ground
and then my back and my head found it too.
The streets were empty and bare
and it was cold down there
But against my better judgment
I stayed laying on the ground
my face so raw, so numb
if someone found me they could steal it and I wouldn’t even feel it
and I’d only be left a skull.
But who would want to steal my face anyway?
There are better faces out there
with less red marks and nicer parts to look at
ones where the heart is carved into the nose, the eyes, the cheeks, skin and lips all round and full
ones where the word beautiful escape strangers mouths because
the heart is on the face.
Maybe a trace of mine is but most of it is covered by ribs, muscle, tissue
and laced with partially flawed pasty skin.
I don’t even pretend to be someone I am not
not anymore
I just find places to be
and right then it was the cold gravel infested floor.
The stars blossomed in the sky before my eyes
and I felt so envious;
they knew their place.
They knew where to go
when the sun dissapeared
so that they could have their turn at being visible
and I was just lost.
What better word to discribe a girl who only feels OK
when she’s plastered to ground
instead of looking down apon it
because at least then she is a part of something bigger than herself.
So I layed there in the street, in the dark
a sea of question marks above me
I was wondering whether the answers were in between
in the black
and I wanted that stupid street light to go away
so I could get a better grasp as what I was looking at
but it stayed
and that was ok too
because sometimes the dark scares me
but that night I wanted to be surrounded by only it.
The stars looked like tiny candles of hope
telling me as long as they were burning up there
I was going to be ok.
I was so cold my body was begining to display a rash of goose bumps
but that was good because from what I understood
that only meant I was alive.
And being alive hurts.
It either hurts pleasure or pain
and sometimes it feels I have gained only cold
only numb
the way a body does as it lay on the winter street
breathing in winter air
heat leaking away
in desperate need of something to say, “Stay.”
The door was only 10 feet away
only 20 to a warm bed
but I stayed
because my eyes needed hope
more than my head needed a pillow
so, I studied the candles in the sky
I wanted to ask them, “How do I know I’m alive?”
But I already knew the answer; I was cold.
And I wanted to go inside.
So, I did.
And I brought my candles with me.
Because, see, that’s all you can really do;
learn from the world.
Use its beauty to your advantage
pack it
somewhere deep inside you
assessable whenever you need it to be
and protect it because you are the only thing
between you and being free
you are alive
and hope is everywhere
you just need to know where to find it;
outside of yourself.
There is a whole world beyond your catastrophe
and all you have to do is look
and you will see it
take all the shit that has you bound
and free it
if only for a moment
it’s a moment you won’t miss
there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground
so kiss it.
Because, “to praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.”
Look to the skies
and gather your candles
because as long as you keep them burning
it will be ok.